Dear Mr Paul Holmes

(Image from here)

Dear Mr Paul Holmes,

Here are some things that I know.
I know there has been alot in the media lately about your daughter Millie.  I know that not all of it is true.  I know she has become mixed up in drugs and gangs.  Although I do not know your daughter personally I do know people who do.  NZ really isn't that big a place.

What I want to say to you is please, please do not give up on her.  A popular parenting technique these days is Tough Love, I am sure you are familiar with it.  I am sure people have told you this is the most effective way to get through to your daughter.  I am writing this to tell you, as someone who has been that daughter, this is not true.

When I was young I fell in love with the wrong man.  He was older and from a bad part of town.  He was the product of a volatile broken family and was used to breaking the law to get through life.  Naturally my family was less then thrilled.  Events transpired that I left home and lived with him while still in High School (which I miraculously managed to still pass with high grades).

After many phone calls, confrontations and events I would rather not talk about many of my friends and family essentially gave up on me.  They where told by experts that the way to get me back was to show me Tough Love.  This meant not supporting me in this negative lifestyle by monetary or any other means.

Because of this I distanced myself from those few precious people who would still have helped.  I was young, living in a dangerous situation and I was in many ways very alone.  For these reasons I draw comparison with myself and Millie. It was very difficult for me to get out of this cycle.  I even went back many times.  But eventually I did get out and I am all the better for it today.  

Before this I was not the type of girl who would get sucked into this type of thing.  But, I think noone ever is.

I am sure Millie today is different then Millie the little girl.  Unfortunately we all grow up and not usually in the ways our parents want us to.  I want to tell you many of us still make it in the end.

What I want to press is never give up on her.  Never stop calling and telling her you love her.  Never stop buying her food or phone cards or special things, though giving money is probably not a good idea.  Never stop giving her a place to sleep if she needs it.  These are ways to keep her safe when she is in an unsafe position.  These are not ways you are feeding or supporting her choices.

Tough love usually means cutting all ties.  Letting that person know when they want to leave you will be there but until that you will not.  I don't believe this is the best way to handle this type of situation.

Millie may never leave her partner.  She may never get out.  But if she does, if she is thinking about it, you have no idea how much it helps to know there is somewhere to go and someone safe to go to.

Do not give up on her.  No matter what, do not turn away.  This is your responsibility as a parent.  Turn the other cheek no matter how many times and how many chances.  She will always be your daughter and you will always be her father.  Do not put yourself in a position where you are fueling the bad decisions she makes.  Just give her options so that she can make good ones and food so she can eat every once in awhile if things are tight.

Never ever, give up. I know your daughter must be worth this to you.

Yours Sincerely

Raquael Jones

For info on Millie's struggle visit the NZ Herald